There's a lot of questions in life right now. Some second guessing is going on and even a little worrying perhaps. It's amazing how in one moment you think you know where life is headed and then in the next you have no clue what's going to happen. Everyday is a constant reminder to just continue trusting the Lord because at the end of the day He is the one who know's whats going to happen. Worrying does nothing but add stress and burdens to life - I keep trying to tell this to myself but it's so much easier said than lived.
See, I'm one of those girls that's grown up in the church and I've learned so many the "right answers." I know the right things to say, right emotions to portray, and right facial expressions to give. I'm really good at saying how I should respond to something and assuring people in my life that that's what I'm doing - but when it comes to living that out in my mind and heart it's a whole other story.
Over the years I've gotten so much better at being real and genuine and not putting on that "church face" that I learned as I grew up. Some days its hard though to be honest with the world, and even honest with myself. After awhile putting on the mask just becomes a natural part of life. You can anticipate the reactions of others and then know how to respond. That's partly why I have a hard time meeting new people sometimes - I don't already know what to anticipate from them or understand how they're generally going to respond to things. The thing about meeting new people is that you're starting fresh. They don't know you, you don't know them. For me - the girl with the masks - that can be hard because I don't know which mask to wear.
The older I get the more I'm realizing that I have no idea who I actually am. I've been this girl that's tried to please everyone for so long that I don't really have any idea of the things that I enjoy or want to do with my time. It's always just easier to follow the group and not make a big fuss. The more I come to grips with this the more I want to break free from this picture I've created of the girl that I should be and just be who I actually am. Trying to live life pleasing everyone is exhausting and leaves you feeling drained, insecure, and reliant on others - that is not a life that I want to live. The life that I desire to live is one filled with the freedom and riches the Lord has to offer for those who allow Him to live through them. This includes so much more than just freedom from eternal death (though that is the greatest part of it). It includes freedom from trying to please others, or being anyone but yourself. It allows you to not have to live life feeling burdened or weighted down by the troubles of the world. The freedom offered by the Lord is a freedom like none you could imagine. It allows us to live life looking only to the Lord for strength, wisdom, knowledge, and truth. That is the life I desire to live. Floating free on the promises of Christ and looking only to please Him each day. Again, this is sometimes much easier said than done. :-)
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