I once knew a girl who would tend to "give up" something each month. A habit or a favorite food or something she enjoyed, just to (in a way) prove to herself that she was not dependent on any of these items in her life. She wanted to make sure that the things she was doing she did in fact have control over and that they weren't controlling her. For some reason this popped into my head tonight and it got me thinking about doing my own similar and yet different test, if you will, of my own dependence.
Though my experiment has a little different reasoning behind it, in some ways it is the same. I don't necessarily want to prove anything to myself but I think that I more want to take back control of my life and make choices that I am proud of and that I feel are truly going to benefit me in some way. It is so easy to sit back and make certain decisions because it's the "easy" thing to do. "I can't afford to eat healthier right now" or "there's nothing else to do so I might as well turn on the TV" or "I don't have to answer to anyone but myself so why make an effort, I know that I can make a good one if I need to". I've heard many different statistics on how a habit is formed, some say if you do something 52 times in a row, some say less, some say more but the main thing to understand behind a habit is that if you do something over and over again then it's most likely going to become a part of your life whether you want it to or not. I'm currently in a season of life where I have very few people that I need to answer to or explain my life choices to and so I am starting to realize that I am forming habits that are doing nothing to better or further my life. It's not like any of these habits are terrible ones or are going to ruin my life but none the less I know that they are not shaping my life into one that I can look back on and be proud of. I keep thinking "once I get a job I'll change this" or "once I have my own place things will be different" but the question I'm starting to ask myself is, why should I wait until these big things in my life change to begin living in the way that I can look back on and be proud of. Why should I wait to be the person I wish I was? Why not begin down that path and through that journey right now while I have all the time in the world to make it happen.
So. All that thinking has led me to the decision to try a little experiment for the next couple of weeks and just see what happens. I have decided that from now until Thanksgiving I am going to stop doing a few things in what has now become my regular routine and to start doing some other things. I have made up a list of things to stop doing or start doing that I feel will have some sort of larger impact on my view of the world, myself, and life in general. The list includes things like less TV, more exercise, and some specific heavy reading. I'm hopeful that at the end of 20 days (which really isn't that long if we're really being honest) I can look back and not only see the beginnings of change in my life but begin to see more of the person I know I can be and some days wish I was. I'll do my best to report back on how it's going.
H.
Sunday, November 4
Friday, February 3
The year of Surrender.
In an earlier post (that was never published) I wrote something about feeling like it was starting to be time for me to move on from here. BUT, I felt that this desire was my own and not the Lords so the post ended with those words and the last being "and so I stay."
I've been hunting quite a bit for what I should do with the next few months of my life and I can honestly say that I feel the Lord is releasing me from the Ranch. I have been so blessed by this place and these people and feel that the Lord has done so much in my life through both, I will never be thankful enough. It has been such a neat season of life living away from home, supporting myself, building community, being taken in by Ranch families, and experiencing so much of who the Lord is. I know that as I process this season in the months to come so much more will come out of them than I realize even now.
While I am excited to be moving on to a new place and new experiences I am also dreading all the good-byes. I hate good-byes. A lot of times I avoid them until the last possible moment and then when I do finally do them I try to make it as quick as possible because I know that if I don't then I will lose it :-). I'm already dreading saying good-bye to everyone here and I realized today that it is (most likely) only three short weeks away from happening. I'm sure that those weeks are going to fly by faster than I will even realize. Hopefully I can be as intentional as possible with the little time that I have left.
At the beginning of the year I went to one of the morning of staff devotions at the Ranch (I usually have to work at my other job so this was a nice treat to get to attend). This particular morning the CEO was leading the time and he issued a challenge to each staff member giving us 15 minutes to go and pray and think and choose one word that we felt like the Lord was giving us for the year. As I thought and prayed the word that came to mind was Surrender. I felt that this year was/is going to be about surrendering my time, money, ambitions, talents, thoughts, ideas, etc. This is something that I feel we are always being asked to do but more often than not I find that I am not focused on surrendering but rather just living my life for myself (whether I realize it or not). Already, as I look back at the last few weeks I can see instances where He was giving me the opportunity to surrender but I choose not to. This is such an easy thing to say and so much harder to live out. I'm finding that there really is no way to get through each day well without the strength and guidance of the Lord, I am so weak.
As I continue on in another week (my weekend are now in the middle of the week) I hope and pray that I will keep the word Surrender at the forefront of my thoughts and actions, setting aside my own desires and seeking after the Lords. Please help to hold me accountable to this.
I've been hunting quite a bit for what I should do with the next few months of my life and I can honestly say that I feel the Lord is releasing me from the Ranch. I have been so blessed by this place and these people and feel that the Lord has done so much in my life through both, I will never be thankful enough. It has been such a neat season of life living away from home, supporting myself, building community, being taken in by Ranch families, and experiencing so much of who the Lord is. I know that as I process this season in the months to come so much more will come out of them than I realize even now.
While I am excited to be moving on to a new place and new experiences I am also dreading all the good-byes. I hate good-byes. A lot of times I avoid them until the last possible moment and then when I do finally do them I try to make it as quick as possible because I know that if I don't then I will lose it :-). I'm already dreading saying good-bye to everyone here and I realized today that it is (most likely) only three short weeks away from happening. I'm sure that those weeks are going to fly by faster than I will even realize. Hopefully I can be as intentional as possible with the little time that I have left.
At the beginning of the year I went to one of the morning of staff devotions at the Ranch (I usually have to work at my other job so this was a nice treat to get to attend). This particular morning the CEO was leading the time and he issued a challenge to each staff member giving us 15 minutes to go and pray and think and choose one word that we felt like the Lord was giving us for the year. As I thought and prayed the word that came to mind was Surrender. I felt that this year was/is going to be about surrendering my time, money, ambitions, talents, thoughts, ideas, etc. This is something that I feel we are always being asked to do but more often than not I find that I am not focused on surrendering but rather just living my life for myself (whether I realize it or not). Already, as I look back at the last few weeks I can see instances where He was giving me the opportunity to surrender but I choose not to. This is such an easy thing to say and so much harder to live out. I'm finding that there really is no way to get through each day well without the strength and guidance of the Lord, I am so weak.
As I continue on in another week (my weekend are now in the middle of the week) I hope and pray that I will keep the word Surrender at the forefront of my thoughts and actions, setting aside my own desires and seeking after the Lords. Please help to hold me accountable to this.
Wednesday, January 11
The hunt is on. again.
It would seem that I'm at it again, the time has come in my "adult" life to find yet another job. ugh. I truly hate job hunting and trying to figure out what to do with my life. The whole process of filling out application after application and writing the same thing many times is so tedious. I thought this was why the Resume existed?
Well the fact of the matter is that applications are a necessary part of life, growing up, and getting a job. I went from having no clue of where to go from the Ranch to have a number of options. I have applied for jobs in Oregon, North Carolina, Indiana, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and am looking to possibly apply for one in Korea and one in Ohio.
There are a couple that I already see as good possibilities for job offers which is exciting. The tough part for me is that even through this search I am somewhat clueless as to which direction I should head. I still don't know what I want to do with my life and most importantly, I don't know what the Lord wants out of my life right now. I want to go where He can use me best but I'm at a loss as to where that is. So as I go through application by application I am praying over them and trusting that doors will be shut and the right ones opened to make it clear where the Lord desires me next.
I have been so blessed by my time at the ranch with the many relationships that have been formed, the ones that have continued on from the summer, and the opportunity to learn from this community of people. A year ago, I never could have told you that I'd be sitting in Maryland right now and working at a Christian summer camp. I never could have told you that I would ride my first bull this past fall, or live on my own for the first time. I couldn't have imagined that I would have the friends that I do or be able to say I'd been at the same place for nearly 8 months. It's so easy to forget sometimes that I am not in control of my life, the Lord is. He has far grander plans for me then I could ever imagine and I'm so excited to see where this next year takes me, the people I get to meet, and the things I get to do.
Well the fact of the matter is that applications are a necessary part of life, growing up, and getting a job. I went from having no clue of where to go from the Ranch to have a number of options. I have applied for jobs in Oregon, North Carolina, Indiana, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and am looking to possibly apply for one in Korea and one in Ohio.
There are a couple that I already see as good possibilities for job offers which is exciting. The tough part for me is that even through this search I am somewhat clueless as to which direction I should head. I still don't know what I want to do with my life and most importantly, I don't know what the Lord wants out of my life right now. I want to go where He can use me best but I'm at a loss as to where that is. So as I go through application by application I am praying over them and trusting that doors will be shut and the right ones opened to make it clear where the Lord desires me next.
I have been so blessed by my time at the ranch with the many relationships that have been formed, the ones that have continued on from the summer, and the opportunity to learn from this community of people. A year ago, I never could have told you that I'd be sitting in Maryland right now and working at a Christian summer camp. I never could have told you that I would ride my first bull this past fall, or live on my own for the first time. I couldn't have imagined that I would have the friends that I do or be able to say I'd been at the same place for nearly 8 months. It's so easy to forget sometimes that I am not in control of my life, the Lord is. He has far grander plans for me then I could ever imagine and I'm so excited to see where this next year takes me, the people I get to meet, and the things I get to do.
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